I don't know if I am overreacting, or if I might be bi-polar, but, the past couple of days have been interesting and revealing to me of my heart.
There are moments when I think of God's sovereignty in my life, and my mind is blown. I know of God's mercy and I know I don't deserve it. God is not some figment of my imagination either. I have seen miracles, and I have seen God in the spiritual deserts, so to speak.
Right now, I am going through a time when things seems to be very good. As I was writing the other day on my Facebook event page, I was telling my readers how all the plans for being in the Christmas parade were going very well, and we need to be praying for this event. We are not just going out there to walk down the street and throw candy at kids. We have an intent of making the truths of the Gospel known to people while there is an open door. We are using a Christmas parade to get the word of God out to people. It cost a lot of money on our part to make this possibility available, yet we know we have God's favor and provision for doing this. I also know that the Enemy of our souls is not happy about this event, and there will be obstacles that will come up to discourage us. Not sure what they would be, but we will all face them in some form or another.
It was about 2 days later, when I realized what it would look like in my life. I don't usually get discouraged anymore, when things don't fall perfectly in place, but I am still vulnerable to stumbling. So, while I am looking out ahead of time for the obstacles that will inevitably come our way, I find myself in a state of despair for reasons I do not understand.
It started yesterday morning when I woke up. We had to leave early to visit family in another city which is a couple of hours away. I got to bed around 2:30 am as usual lately, and was not really functioning well in the morning. I slept most of the way there (must have been really tired to be able to do that) and just struggled to be happy, or even appear to be happy to be there. Didn't feel good but tried to continue on as if I did.
The day went on, and it was actually a nice day. We had a good time with the family, but by the time I got into the car, I was distressed about a particular thing. I mulled that over and over again in my tired brain. After about a half an hour, I became angry. Not too long after that, I had thoughts of ending my life. By this time I was so angry, tired, and depressed, and my life seemed to me, to be a waste.
But, as usual, the thought came to my mind a little bit later of, 'what does God think of this?' Hmm. I forgot about adding God into the equation of my life. Then suddenly, it hit me; I remembered what I wrote on my Facebook event page about the devil bringing obstacles into our lives right now. I see it so often, when God gives someone a vision, yet, the devil will lie to people and discourage them. He will destroy them if he gets his way.
I write this because I know the holidays are hard for some people to work through. There are many sadnesses and much grieving we face as human beings. We are all vulnerable to the lies of the Enemy. We fall for them simply because they are custom made for us. If they were obvious to us, we wouldn't fall for them.
You might be in a desperate place and you might believe lies like, 'the world will be better off without you', or, 'you are such a loser. Just give up'. I know I have listened to those lies and am glad God spared me from the results I could have brought about.
If you are in a place such as that one I mentioned, please, try to find a group of people who love God and are saved by the blood of Jesus Christ - People who have put their trust in Him. There are people who would love to help and be a friend, if you can find them.
You might be in a good place in your spiritual walk. This is a great time to serve others. Look for others who are in need or who are lonely this Christmas season. Many would just love to tell you their stories. Some are sad and need someone to love them. There are also some who have lost loved ones and will not be celebrating Christmas with them this year or any more years that will come.
We can be sensitive to people and show the love of God to them. One day, we may need for others to do this for us. Those who show love and kindness to others, will be shown love and kindness from God.