A couple of days ago, I was listening to the radio and thinking about the many songs out today having to do with God's love. The love of God always seems foreign to me, or maybe irrelevant for some reason. But I think God wants His people to know that He loves them and they should be willing to respond to Him.
For many years, I have had a voice in my head telling me that I had done the unpardonable sin. I can't imagine how many thousands of other people actually have this same voice speaking to them. The words were clear and they would come up at various times. Whenever they came, I would go into a depression because I believed they were true. Somehow, I thought God would shield me from this kind of mental difficulty, but He didn't.
For years, I believed this lie, and without realizing it, I acted upon it, even if just mentally. I doubted that God loved me, and I lived in fear knowing that I was going to go to hell one day, without any opportunity to repent.
The problem with all this was that I believed the devil's lies. Of course, I secretly hoped God would have a special mercy on me, but I was sure that that was impossible. What I didn't realize was how much sin was involved in my thinking and belief system, for I believed the devil's lies, which meant, by default, that I didn't believe God.
My thoughts were an insult to God, for I was saying that my sin was too great for Him to forgive me of. I was saying that Jesus' blood was not powerful enough to forgive me of my sin. Once I learned how to resist (not ignore) these thoughts, I gained victory in this area and faith began to increase.
I will not do this any more, and I have repented of believing these lying thoughts. I am sorry to God for not believing Him and His truth instead. Thank God for His patience and mercy.